Ah, Christmas morning. Ever since we crawled out of the cradle, little in life can compare to the excitement of Present Day. Of course, over time that excitement can dissipate. The aging process makes us less impressed by high quality gifts.
Let’s be honest though, the real reason the excitement in the Christmas air is not quite so palpable is not due to a dearth or presents but rather, the quality of the presents. As you get older you just start to acquire an awful lot of rubbish. Albeit rubbish that is bought as part of an online shopping spree by a family member armed with their credit card and best intentions. So without further ado, here are some of the presents we hope don’t wind up in your stocking this Christmas.
It’s not yet 9am and you’re approaching one of a number of assiduously wrapped presents under the tree. Your grandmother is already slightly intoxicated, your dad is taking his annual shot at playing a computer game and you’re getting excited. Beads of sweat crease your brow, your heart’s pounding like a jackhammer against your chest and your hands are trembling, a timorous quiver of anticipation. It can only mean one thing: you’re having a heart attack. Or it’s Christmas morning and you’re opening your first present. And what’s this… it’s a pair of socks. Great. Just great.
You try hard to hide your disappointment but really what kind of reaction can socks garner? “Super, my feet are going to be so warm this winter” or “Wow, I’ve always loved the colour blue, you really know what makes my feet shine.”
OK, so when someone gives you a card and says “Merry Christmas” you know it’s not going to be that new car you wanted and it’s probably not that new iPhone you’ve been unsubtly hinting at. But it could be a few other tantalising things, things like gig tickets, theatre tickets or even better airline tickets. It could also be, less interestingly but practical and much appreciated, money. Everyone, besides the very young who are yet to understand how £40 beats a £20 Monster High doll any day of the week, like receiving money, even if it’s an insultingly low amount, it’s still a lot better than socks. What people don’t want is vouchers. It’s not only incredibly lazy, but it’s sort of insulting. Vouchers basically say: I don’t know anything about you and I don’t care enough to find out. Oh yes, and you’re limited to anything you can find in Boots or Wilkinson’s.
Deodorant and bodyspray gift set
A basic grooming kit: deodorant, shower gel and some kind of shampoo and or conditioner. Usually most people already have this stuff. If they don’t, you’re likely to insult them. If they do, you’re likely to give them a useless extra that they normally pick up at a supermarket. Sure, it’s practical but there is nothing practical about Christmas. Wasting money on gifts we don’t want, spending time with people we would rather not, watching TV we would not be caught dead watching at any other times of the year, travelling exceptionally long distances, awkward dinner conversation with relatives we haven’t seen in approximately 12 months, spending hours queuing to buy gifts that people don’t even want. Christmas is not practical; Christmas at its best is magical. It’s Clarence Oddbody getting his wings, it’s Kris Kringle taking on the New York Supreme Court, it’s snow on Christmas Day, Christmas lights and getting tipsy before dinner. It’s not a deodorant set.
Novelty joke presents
You know these types of presents: hair brush for a bald man, a Manchester United cup for a Liverpool fan, a toy pony or car for someone who would actually want the real thing. The purpose of this novelty stuff isn’t about giving a gift to someone who really wants it, it’s about making you look silly. The present giver will laugh and say: “Sure, didn’t we tell you we’d get you a car/pony” or, to a barren scalped one: “Jaysis that hair’s getting a bit wild”. Sometimes you’ll even laugh along until you realise: “Hey, wait a minute, this is all I’m getting”.
Ten seconds of forced laughter is not a present.
Now, you probably know that you’re guaranteed to get at least one Christmas present you don’t really want. But to cheer 1 lucky person up after their Christmas disappointment, I’ve partnered with Natwest to giveaway a great Harrods Hamper.
This lovely Hamper contains :
Premier Cru Champagne and Praline Chocolates
*Sorry, but this giveaway is open to the UK only*
This competition is brought to you in partnership with the NatWest Credit Card team.
Linking to some of these great parties